Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Leap

Tomorrow I’m quitting my job. Today I’m starting a blog. And that’s my life right now. I have lived many lives before this one (not even touching upon reincarnation). You’ll get to know more about those lives later. What you need to know right now is that after devoting many years to being a kick-ass teacher, I realized that I’m getting out and taking a leap into the unknown. Unfortunately, the only way to “get out” is by quitting my job tomorrow. Ugh. I feel sick to my stomach right now, but the thought of not having to go back there elates me.

I’ve been working there for seven weeks now and every week I’ve wanted to quit at least two times. I’ve never had a job like this. The strange thing is, is that five years ago this would have been my dream job. Teaching ESL to immigrants at a non-profit! Dream job! Even now, when I tell people what I do, everyone says, “how wonderful!” and “that must be great.” I smile, but in my head I’m thinking, “yuck." It was Friday night that I had the revelation, “It’s not the job. It’s me.” Jeez, do I sound like an old high school boyfriend or what? It’s true though. I’m not the same person I was five years ago. I have kids now, a house, a wonderful hubby (although he was there five years ago, too) and a puppy. I took the job because the hours were great (9-12 every morning). “Perfect,” I thought. But this is no regular job, it’s teaching, after all. After dropping the kiddos off at school, I start the day off by making copies, then I teach from 9:30 to 12:00. After class I stay and clean up the class, talk with students, do new student intakes, and try, try, try to plan for the next day. I leave, pick up the kids....blah, blah, blah. My day is “over” by 9pm and it is then that I begin my lesson planning for the next day. I am no skimper. When I do things, I put in my all. So lesson planning and “remanaging” this class has been (is) taking a long time. During these past seven weeks I have gone to bed before 11pm a total of two times. Otherwise, I’m in bed by 12:30am every night. I did not sign up for this. I feel too old (I’m not old by any means) for this.

And that is why I’m quitting tomorrow. I just want tomorrow to be over so I can begin my renewal.